18 Occassions You Vowed NEVER to Speak to Your Siblings Again

’18 Occasions…’ was published in Cult Noise Magazine in July, 2015. You can read it here!

(Jennifer, Zoe? This one’s for you.)

The days of matching outfits and coordinated bedrooms may have, at last, passed on to reveal the true foundations of a good relationship with our siblings –  lets just call them friends. But, there were times when the ever-present “you’ll all be best friends when you grow up” couldn’t have felt any further away from the truth. So, here’s 18 times when we really, truly, wanted nothing more to do with your siblings that we all recognise (apart from you only children, you lucky so-and-sos.)

1. Being the One Demonstrating Violence but Crying Anyway so That Neither of You Get in Trouble.


“Please stop crying. You can hit me back!”

2. No Matter How Stunningly Beautiful the Other Looks Before Going to Their First Ever Party, You Reply to All Questions Surrounding How Great They Look with ‘Hmm’.



Parent: “Isn’t that shirt so flattering on your brother?”

You: “Hmm.”

3. Vowing to Never Speak to Your Sibling in Adulthood After Both Being Banished to the Backseat Following A “Shotgun!” Brawl.


“She got to sit in the front last time!”

4. Wiping Your Hands on Your Trousers After Staging ‘Happy Family’ Photos with Your Arms Round Each Other.


5. Announcing That You’ll Be Going for a Shower in the next Five Minutes and Hearing the Shower Being Turned on as You Walk Upstairs.


6. Learning That Using, “If-You-Tell-On-Me-I’ll-Tell-Mum-You-Were-Lying-To-Get-Me-Into-Trouble,” Holds No Value in Conflict Because Your Mother Just Wants You All to Be Quiet.


7. Labelling YOUR Food in the Fridge, Only to Find It Missing When You Go to Eat It.


8. Cringing When People Tell You, “You Can Definitely Tell You’re Related” and Feeling Ashamed of How Your Appearance Will Now Affect You Socially.


“I thought we were friends.”

9. Disregarding Your Mother’s Claims That “Parents Have No Favourites” Because It’s You, and She Knows It.


10. Feeling Uncomfortable When Your Sibling Had Friends Round Because You Sensed That They’d Joined Forces Against You.


11. Cringing When You Hear Your Sibling Mention Child Line During an Argument with a Parent.


12. Deciding to Join Musical Forces over Dishwashing and Falling out over Who Gets to Sing the Main Tune.


“She tried to be Elphaba, Dad. Who does she think she is?”

13. Answering Parental ‘Going out’ Interrogation in Hushed Tones so as Not to Alarm Your Sister, Whose Jeans You Are Wearing.


“They were in my drawer! I thought they were mine…”

14. Seeing That Your Sibling Has Outdone Your Gift for Father’s Day and Subtly Suggesting That You Put Your Gifts Together – “For Dad”


15. Always Having to Share Your Birthday Moment with Someone Else.


16. All Having Your Own Seats at the Dinner Table, and Refusing to Enjoy Family Meals If You’re Not in Your’s.


“My seat is beside mum because I’m the favourite.”

17. Convincing Your Circle of Friends That Your Siblings Are the Most Twisted, Vile Kind of People to Have Walked This Earth and You, You, Are Different from Them All.


“I have to deal with so much in this family, so misunderstood *snifffff*.”

Bonus: dropkicking whoever tries to agree with the previous statement because only YOU are allowed to hate on your own siblings.


And don’t you forget it.

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